My answers were short and she was pissy. Then we got into it. She was telling me how awful my father was. I never said he wasn't. What does that have to do with anything. Then she told me she was never allowed "feelings". That I stiffle her "feelings". Wah, wah, wah...
I reiterated that she can feel anyway she wants. But I'm not going to listen to it.
This is all stemming from a time when she told me that I make her FEEL fat, ugly and stupid. My response was well, I don't think that. If you FEEL that it sounds like a problem you need to work on. I wasn't going to apologize for somehting she FEELS.
Then she went on to blame everyone else again for her problems. Same old, same old.
At the end of the conversation she asked me how I wanted to leave things. I told her I'm tired of all this. I can't take it anymore. And contact me only if she is "well".
Somewhere else in the conversation I told her the "truth is not within her." A quote I heard Judge Joe Brown say!! Ha! I quoted a TV judge. But it best describes my mother.
So for the rest of the day I was feeling pretty low. I stopped in to get my mail and say Mailbox Mitch. So friggin awkward. While chatting I opened a letter from my cousin. The one who found my old diary. Asking me to return the photos he sent me ages ago. He even included a slef addressed stamped envelope. I deserved that.
I haven't returned them because 1. I'm lazy. 2. Self absorbed. 3. Hate to think about that side of the family.
I've heard all these terrible things but they seem so nice. It makes me sad and scared. I don't want to upset my family by talking to them. But aren't they family?
Anyway, I'm going to call him this weekend and let him know what is going on. He's a good guy. I shouldn't treat him so badly.
I woke up today thinking it was Saturday. Then I remembered it wasn't and I need to work. Dah...
So I'm working on my presentation for NYC. I hope all goes well. I would like to keep my job for a bit longer.I love paying my bills, on time, and having a little left over. I think I'm about 10K in debt total now. This including my braces and other loans. I hate that I was so stupid with credit cards when I was younger.
Anyway, I have a date (I think) with a guy I shall call Dibbs. He also works in the business (go figure) and is really cute. He makes me laugh. He annoys the fuck out of all my friends. Dibbs and I have been bantering back and forth since September. We chatted on Wednesday and are having dinner on Sunday. I'm not sure if it is a date, date or just pals going for dinner. Who knows?
Butter is in town this weekend and asked if I wanted to hang out tonight. I guess. I have nothing better to do. It will be strange seeing him again. It's been about 10 months.
I'll let you know how it turns out.