Actually I have. I've smoked once in the past two weeks. A record since becoming friends with Tony. Imagine having as much as you want available to you whenever you want. Makes it a little difficult to say no.

Anyway, I worked out again with my Trainer- hot by the way but his teeth are kind of jacked. I can barely move my arms. I feel so weak when I work out. But Trainer is encouraging.

I read Singlegirl's entry today. It made me so sad. It took me right back to when I found my fiance cheating. Let's take a stroll shall we...

March 22 we got engaged. We had been living together for 6 months. Started our own business. Had a lot of money problems. I was really depressed and stressed. One month later, Fuckhead (as he shall now be called) and I woke up one Saturday and made love. Afterwards I didn't want to get out of bed. I felt so safe there. But he had made plans to go to a baseball game with our business partners. I kissed him and told him to have a great time. I was always encouraging him to hang out with his friends.

About 10 pm he called me absolutely trashed. He said he was driving to a friend's house. I recommended he stay over and not drive fucked up. He agreed. WHen he was hanging up I didn't, I heard a woman's laugh.

I knew. Right away.

I called him back and asked. He called my psycho. I was so calm. I said I was sorry but worried, would he just talk to me until he got to his friend's.

Meanwhile I hoped in the car (in my pajamas) and also headed to the friend's.

Just before I got there I hung up with fuck head. When I turned the corner to the apartment there he was, making out with some girl.

My fiance... with another girl.

After puching him. Yelling at her. Yelling at our friends. Throwing up. Shitting my pants (seriously, I lost all function). Calling my parents. I came home and stayed up all night.

The next day he came home. It was a long road to recovery. All I wanted to know was the details. Who was she? How did this happen? Why?

I got some answers but in my gut I knew I was being lied to. He told me he felt insecure. Not worthy of me. He needed validation. I stayed with him because I didn't want to start over. I wanted to be married. I wanted to start a family.

Six months later I was finally able to make peace. But our friends turned on him and told me everything. It was so evil. And the girl emailed me as well telling me about the night.

I wish I could say I left right then. But Fuckhead had gotten extremely crazy. Stalker like. I was afraid. But little by little I separated from him. After the intial incident I made him move out and would never live with him again.

It was last spring (almost two years later) when I stopped taking his calls.

I did speak to him when our friend killed himself. He is dating someone new. I feel sorry for that girl.

And here I am. About to turn 30. Living single.

But truth be told.

I am so happy.

I'm glad I didn't settle. I'm glad I found the courage. I'm glad I know that I'm worth it.

And that's my story.

I'm really sorry, Singlegirl. My heart aches for you.