M@DISON R@E...
The Blahs....
(2006-06-12, 9:51 a.m.)
Did the real birthday dinner on Thursday night with Linz, Jake and Manny ( a guy from the warehouse that holds my samples). Manny has a crush on lil old me. How do I know? He spent most of the night asking what kind of guys do I date? Would I go out with a guy like him? etc... I love how younger guys are so direct.

And no I wouldn't date him. He's a really nice guy but that's it... a nice guy.

Jake will become a dad this week. Crazy. Really crazy. I can't believe it. I hope her delivery goes well. And I hope they get the paternity right there at the hospital. I've spent 9 months trying to convince Jake it is best for EVERYONE.

Yesterday I went to Church, did a lil shopping then met Machine for a movie and dinner. I told him it felt like a date. We saw the Jen and Vince movie. I thought it was good. It captured the struggle between women and men perfectly. You know how the women puts ALL her energy into making a family and the man acts like a child and contributes little but an income. Then in the fight he calls her CRAZY. Been there, done that.

During dinner Machine and I had lots of deep conversations. I admitted to things I've been feeling but never actually say to anyone. How lonely I am. How scared I am that I'm running out of time.

Guess all this just self induced drama. And I know it.

I'm still lonely though.

Oh... totally forgot about this...

My dad called me on Friday and jokingly I told him his present hadn't arrived. He asked me what I wanted and I said a television, in hopes I could get a flat screen. Seems my dad has one in his storage unit that cost like 3K. He said he would ship it to me. As he is telling me this I can hear my brother and sister in law bitching that he promised them the TV.

FUCKERS HAVE 6 FUCKING TVS. MY DAD CONSTANTLY BUYS THEM SHIT. I CAN'T HAVE THE TV!??? Are you serious?

I told my Dad that if they were going to get that upset they could have it. I guess they OBVIOSLY NEED IT.

I can't believe this has sent me to tears. But it has. I hate this side of my family. Milking my Dad for money.

Two years ago my dad gave me 16K to pay off some debt. It was a LOAN. My brother and sis-in-law flipped. They DEMANDED 16K.

AND I had not asked for the money. AND I've paid a HUGE portion back.

GGGGrrrr...

God... I'm depressed.

But this too shall pass. I'm just feeling the 30's woe.

Oh yeah... I think the other reason I'm feeling so lousy is that movie was filmed in Chicago. It made me miss it so much. I'm second guessing myself. What would my life be like if I had stayed there? Would I be married? Or at least settled?

It's counter productive to even spend a monet thinking about it.

Time to work...

Sorry for my downer of an entry today...

And so it is...