(2007-11-04, 8:18 a.m.)
I should update since my drama entries...


I was over Captain's house a few weeks back and went on his computer. On it was a IM from some skank asking where he's been... she misses him.

I installed Spyware on his computer. Yes... It's awful. But I felt this overwhelming feeling that I just didn't know this man I've spent the last 11 1/2 months with.

About 5 days later I uncovered a life of @merican 0nline IM's of cyber sex and phone sex.

I finally confronted him after I read an IM chat where he asked the girl to meet him.

We've spent the following 2 days crying. I broke up with him. He begged for a second chance. I lost 6 pounds.

I decided to give him another chance. Then I decided not to.

I spent some time on my own.

I spent some time with him.

We dissected our relationship.

I'm pretty convinced he never actually cheated in person. However I consider these "cyber" relationships cheating. (BTW I personally spoke to these girls as well as played him on IM to get my answers.)

I am just so sad.

Today we are still a couple. Everyday he apologizes and cries. I'm not the same person anymore. Not the loving girlfriend, the girlfriend who was at his beck and call.

I'm just waiting for the day he fucks up again and I've wasted another year of my life.

I'm hoping he doesn't. I'm hoping he's figured out he almost lost the best thing he ever had. But there is probably that chance I'm an idiot and he's an asshole.

God... I've been in this spot before. DO I ever learn from my mistakes.

Obviously not.

So... that's where I am. Totally confused and sad.

I know I deserve better.