I'm not having any of the "why me?" feelings. I'm so used to my family being this fucked up that I don't get upset like that. But I am scared that I am her daughter. Am I like her? Do I have that in me?
I think about the Columbine kids and their families. How it would feel if my child (although non existent) killed innoscent people.
But my mother is one of two things. A socio path. Or plain crazy. Could I ever be those two? How much of a role does genetics have? Or environmental? I was raised by her.
My father called today. Crying. It's so hard to hear him like that. He is such a tough guy. 280 lb Giant. My dad is not emotional. He is not sensitive. But right now he's a mess. As am I.
I'm having a hard time understanding how a HUMAN BEING can try to kill her husband. How can I understand how my own mother...
What I want to do is just shut myself away from them all. But my father needs me now. I can tell. He needs to fill that void which my mom use to fill. The daily phone calls and such. He and I go through this whenever he and my mom separate. He asks me to go on vacation (skiing or motorcross). It's hard. My fahter is very hard on me. And I hate to dissapoint anyone. So I try and try. Then cry when I fail. It's easier to stay away.
Work couldn't be more crazy. I have these special event dinners (last night) tomorrow night and next monday. Plus I have to wrap up last year's business. And do my presentation for my trip to NYC.
TDW text messaged me today asking if we could talk. I was busy and asked him to call me in an hour. He couldn't because he was leaving work and can only call me from there. I guess his cell phone bill is getting crazy with the international charges. I have no idea what he wants to chat about. I think he's going to "break up" with me. But in my mind we broke up weeks ago. I haven't so much have sent an "I miss you" text or email. Something I use to do all the time. And he has noticed.
I really like TDW, as you all know as I pine over him all the time. But I can't deal with the situation any longer. I never know how he feels about me. And I'm tired of trying so damn hard.
So friggin tired.
I'm taking a foundations class at the Church I started to go to a few months ago. It starts tonight. I really enjoy going every Sunday. It's the only time I feel focused and calm.
God, knows I need that.
*sigh*
What am I going to do? How am I going to move on? Can I ever?